I am feuding with a rat

Gather around, my friends, and I will relay to you a classic tale of conflict — man vs. nature — and great sadness. The man is me, and nature is a cohort of greasy Brooklyn rats who have been helping themselves to my herb garden. 

These unsavory neighbors live in the parking lot behind our house, where they have chewed through a few plastic trash cans and feast every night. I see them run along the top of the retaining wall in silhouette, like old cartoons of singing cats who have shoes thrown at them.

From “The Cat That Hated People” by Tex Avery

The first to go was a pineapple mint plant. If you search online, liars will tell you that peppermint oil keeps rats away because of its strong scent. I am positive that none of these optimistic gardeners live in New York City, because rats here are highly evolved. They live in the foulest settings imaginable and will jump right on you if you get too close. There is no scent strong enough to offend them.

After reading a lot of nice, pastoral ideas about how to control rodent populations I found a guide from the Brooklyn Botanic Garden that revealed the horrific truth: rats will eat your vegetables, herbs, trash, compost AND dog poo!!! That’s how I know City Rats are different. Somewhere on Earth there are people who entertain the absurd idea that mint is “too strong” for rats who eat actual, literal shit. They need the mint to clean the poo out of their teeth!!!

What’s left of my pineapple mint — chewed to bits and soggy from summer rain :(

My neighbor is aware of the rats too and he’s haunted by how disgusting they are. He once popped his head over the fence specifically to vent to me about it, which I found incredibly surprising; I have never met him before. He told me that his girlfriend just moved in and she finds it “hard to enjoy” the back yard with rats running amok.

He said that he’s lived next door for seven years, and before Kenny moved in our place looked “abandoned.” I felt, for a second, that he was implying I was somehow responsible for the rats. He erroneously asked me to line our fence with cinderblocks, as if rats don’t climb. Finally, he offered to send me videos of the rats, which I did not acknowledge. What will a video do for me? I experience it live every night.

The next plant the rats ravaged was my basil, both the Genovese and purple Thai. I checked on them one evening before dinner, and when I brought the dog out before bed all that was left were sad, shredded stalks.

Apparently my visitors do not care for the basil stems.

Last year I harvested an impressive amount of basil from the same backyard. During our COVID isolation, I became a master of homemade Caprese and Margherita pizza. I fell asleep each evening obsessing over what plants I could grow and eat next. The rats did not come around.

Shortly after, the rats returned and the same fate befell my lemon balm. It was large and bushy, and then it was gone. I have a theory that this is a desperation food for the rats —maybe even behind actual garbage — because it keeps getting shorn to the ground and then ignored long enough to grow back. There are clearly better things to eat available.

I had no culinary plan for the lemon balm, but I hoped it would discourage mosquitos. (Perhaps it would do nothing. It’s not unreasonable to think that mosquitos are uniquely terrible here too.)

Goodbye, lemon balm.

Here’s the thing about conflict, man vs. nature. Nature very often wins.

We’ve all seen GRIZZLY MAN. These rats aren’t even my friends like that. Why should they respect my desire to eat fresh herbs? They also have that desire, and my back yard is their back yard too.

Plus, you can’t underestimate the little guys. Strength in numbers, you know? According to the article I linked above, “A healthy breeding female rat can have litters of up to 12 pups several times a year, while the average cat may only take down a rat once every couple of days.” If you think you can defeat them, they will multiply. That’s insane.

After a week of paranoia and looking out my back windows six times a day to “see the rats” (why?) and knowing how futile it is to try and battle them, I figured out the best way to handle the situation.

I gave up.

I would not deserve this.

Instead, I decided to move the whole operation inside. I’m leaning into my freaky gardening obsession. I bought a hydroponic garden! I have looked into various grow light setups and toyed with the idea of growing plants inside for a while now, and this tête-à-tête with the rat bastards of Brooklyn has finally driven me to make the purchase.

Here she is:

Does this mean I need to wear shades in my own house?

My Aerogarden came in a couple of days ago in the mail and I am using the herb seed kit to start. Nothing has sprouted yet, but I am so excited to see how these come along! If all goes well, I’ll have ample basil and mint growing right on my kitchen counter.